Raising three good kids.
I wonder if I’m failing at all of this momming stuff. I am definitely a good mom when it comes to teaching my kids through play. I come up with really fun activities and always have the energy to teach them in ways they enjoy, whether it’s obstacle courses in our yard or science experiments on rainy days. I remind myself of my mom in that she was a young, fun mom. She always had a desire for adventure and she always treated me as a person with my own thoughts and ideas. She indulged them, like the time she spent an afternoon with me making profiteroles from scratch or the time she took my brother and I blueberry picking right after school. I learned a lot about the world from her and am so thankful for that. I’m happy I’m like that too.
At the same time, I also recognize that being an author can be quite isolating and mentally exhausting. It can be hard to switch from the solitary work of writing to the constant demands of motherhood. There are days when I feel like I’m not doing enough like I’m not present enough for my kids. But then I remind myself that being a mom is a journey, one that has its ups and downs, and that it’s okay to have moments of doubt and insecurity. What’s important is that I continue to show up for my kids and be the best mom I can be, while also pursuing my passions and finding ways to balance my different roles.
But there’s this whole other part of being a mom that I am just… not good at. I never know the right way to discipline my kids. I’m inconsistent – I will discipline consistently when I’m alone with them, but the minute my husband is home or we’re in public or with friends I let a lot more slide. I know I shouldn’t, but I do because it’s HARD to leave a fun activity when my kids have misbehaved. And it’s hard to discipline one child without punishing them all at once. And sometimes I’m just tired from a full day of discipline and parenting.
I yell too much. I swore I never would but I find myself yelling at them about random things like getting their shoes on after the third time I’ve politely asked. Or I send them to play alone in the basement so I can cook dinner without listening to them argue. Sometimes I have expectations that are too high of them, and other times I don’t expect enough.
Sometimes I feel this panic rising in my heart like I just have no idea what I’m doing and I’m failing them. I don’t think I give them enough attention, but with three of them and a house and part time jobs and endless to do lists I just can’t always find the time.
I find myself worrying that while my kids are very academically advanced, they are missing manners and skills they should have by now.
But then my oldest will surprise me as he looks at the director of the school straight in the eye and wishes her a good morning. Or when he tells me he is happy I am going to hot yoga so I can be strong and feel good and healthy. Or when he helps his baby sister by bringing her favorite blanket to her.
And sometimes my middle child will surprise me as she navigates a playground with a million older kids without a problem, making friends left and right. Or when she tries a brand new food, and instead of spitting it out will swallow it with a polite “no, thanks.”
And sometimes the baby will surprise me with how much she loves her brother and sister. The adoration can be seen in every moment, from her kisses and hugs to her grabbing their hands to pull them to help her with some activity.
All of those moments are so sweet and make me proud as a mother. What do I do to make them happen more and more frequently? I want to raise good mannered children who are not spoiled, who will try new activities and who will have a thirst for knowledge and life that never ends. I want them to be kind to one another always, and kind to me. I want them to learn to make their beds every day and to take care of their things.
I am just babbling here, but it’s something I think about often. And if I’m thinking about it maybe you are too.
9 Responses to “Raising three good kids.”
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Why am I tearing up reading this? Maybe because I think about this all the time too. Great reminder that us moms are not in this alone! And I think, just the fact that we care about it and are talking about it, is a good sign for the future 🙂 sending your family love!
I am feeling so much of the same right now, especially as R is getting older and … sassier! I am sometimes shocked with the things he says or tone of voice he uses and other times I am so proud of how kind and patient he is with his brother. I think I am not as consistent as I should be either, it is hard! But I also think the lessons are sinking in and hopefully will be displayed one day
I am feeling so much of the same right now, especially as R is getting older and … sassier! I am sometimes shocked with the things he says or tone of voice he uses and other times I am so proud of how kind and patient he is with his brother. The whining is also a huge problem right now. I think I am not as consistent as I should be either, it is hard! But I also think the lessons are sinking in and hopefully will be displayed one day.
Also … the part about the basement while you cook. Is that bad? LOL
I think about this all the time… i want my girls to be really good people; happy, fulfilled, caring and polite. I want them to respect themselves and others. It’s such a challenge! Are we doing a great job… i think we have to wait another 12-18 years to know for sure… but as long as there is a lot of love, as much patience as we can muster, and consistency… well i don’t think we cam do much more than that. Above all else we have to teach the good stuff, and repeat ourselves a million times till it becomes ingrained in them… be nice, be polite, be compassionate, be honest, be forgiving, be kind, be gentle, etc. All we can do is our best… and soemd as much time as we can enjoying the journey of Mommy-hood!
Oh this is so true and something I think all parents worry about! I struggle with the inconsistency as well but I find that things run so much smoother when I talk and remind the girls beforehand what is expected and to mind their manners.
Like when we go to a birthday party at the trampoline park I will tell my 5 YO, “Okay, we are about to head in. We’re bringing the present up and I want you to tell Landon’s parents hello and put the present up before running down to jump. Also, there are big and little kids here so you need to stay away from where the babies are jumping since you are a big girl. And since Landon goes to school somewhere else, there may be some kids you don’t know but be kind to everyone and be an include.”
It’s not always perfect but I feel kids still need a reminder on how to act!
Just the fact that you are thinking about it makes you a great mommy:)
It seems, just from reading your tiny window-into-your-world blog, you do value academic advancement a great deal. Understandable sentiment, to a certain degree; it’s certainly brag-worthy and self-fulfilling to have a kid who’s ‘ahead’. I also think our kids can sense what’s important to us and what’s on the back burner so if the gentle advice from a random internet stranger who’s just a bit further down the parenting path is welcomed, here goes: show them, not just TELL them, what you value. If early reading is your priority, you’re going to have to accept that perhaps other life skills are going to fall by the wayside. What’s more important long-term? Reading at 4 or kindness and polite empathy? (That’s absolutely not a snarky question? YMMV, truly.)
This is a very good point and one I probably don’t consider often enough. Thank you.
This is the definition of a humble brag. It’s actually hard to read, and tough to stomach. “My kids are academically gifted and I’m such fun mom…blah blah…I worry they are not kind…but let me list 15 specific examples of them being kind so everyone knows they’re kind.” I hope you have some down to earth friends that are telling you to get a grip. I miss your posts from before, when you were funny and real. What a shame. Even your Instagram posts are humble brags (or just flat out brags). It’s. Too. Much.
Hi Anna, I do post a lot of real life stuff to Instagram, but I always delete those posts within a day or two. I don’t want my kids to scroll through my Instagram one day and see that I was complaining about them or asking for advice about their misbehavior. I also use Instagram as a way to share my life with my huge family that lives overseas. My husband is gone for 12+ hours a day and it’s also how he gets his fix of the kids.
This post is another example. I am aware of my social media presence, and with my kids getting older they may soon be able to search for my name and find this website. I don’t want them to think I think they are bad kids because I don’t. I have a lot of challenges as a mom, and in this post I share a feeling I feel a lot of the time – that I’m failing them. They ARE academically advanced, and I have no problem saying that. Their manners can SUCK, and I have no problem saying that either. Both, to be honest, can be burdens. I’m pregnant with my fourth and having a really hard time but I prefer to try and keep that off the internet as much as I can. That’s part of the reason I blog so, so much less now. I want to keep some parts of my life private and prefer to focus on the positive if I can in public.
Your comment definitely hit a sore spot for me and I appreciate your honesty. I will be more aware of how I come off and will do my best not to humble brag. Thanks for your honesty.